Synopsis:

As soon as Russian Doll came out, I was like "I’m calling Lucasfilm. That’s where I want to work. That’s what I want to do." So I pitched them. My elevator pitch was Frozen meets Kill Bill. And Kathleen bought it in the room, and said "I love it. I want to start working on it." - Leslye Headland, Creator/Showrunner, The Acolyte.

Intentions:

I don’t often get to say I have anything in common with Kathleen Kennedy, being as she’s one of the most successful film producers in history, and I’m someone who fan-edits other people’s movies, sometimes, on the internet, for free, anonymously! But: absolutely loving that pitch? Me & Kathy are on common ground there, no doubt! A tale of two sisters! Magical sisters! But instead of building snowmen and bursting into song and lugging Josh Gad around, these sisters are, into doing, you know, NINJA THINGS: Vengeance-fueled, stupid-sexy-shirtless STAR WARS Sith-Celebration-Come Drink With Me-Type-Stuff! Who wouldn’t love that? Well… uh… as it so happened… This TV-to-Movie edit takes the 8-episode series, and re-shapes it into a 2hr, 14min movie, cutting away most everything not core to that solid-as-hell elevator pitch. And so:

Change List:

The Acolyte: A Star Wars Story is now a kung-fu revenge flick wherein a creepy cop, weirdly fixated on kidnapping a kid, drags his three partners into an unholy mess as he bumrushes a coven of moon witches just minding their business at the ass-end of space. This, inevitably, screws up both the kid (who he ends up discarding after a couple years) and her twin sister, who he leaves for dead after kinda/sorta/accidentally/on-purpose causing the total destruction of everything she's ever loved and then covering that up for the next 16 years. Naturally, Sith happens. This cut goes in straight chronological order; NO flashbacks, NO “reveals.” There is zero mystery as to what happens, and who does what and when they do it. Because this cut doesn't do the Rashomon thing at all now, it can occupy a recognizable Shaw Bros revenge rhythm: Monks wreck temple, young student escapes, learns ancient arts, kills their way up the ladder to the real villain; who is running around like a chicken with his head cut off trying (and failing) to stop what’s coming: big-ass fight scenes every 15min or so, and then a righteous kill. But now that structure’s got lightsabers in it! A whole bunch of ‘em! And also the first real peek at what Sith training looks like, and uh… it’s hot? And therapeutic? There’s also no forced and squishy ambiguity because of that, which I think is fine for a simple kung-fu revenge flick: Sol is clearly a sweaty (and crappy!) cover-up artist who could make this movie a 3 min Digital Short if he just admitted he sucks; but he can’t, so now everyone’s gotta die. Mae is clearly teamed up with Qimir, a simple man who enjoys philosophy, bartending, cooking and killing; is clearly hot as hell, twice as funny, makes some great points, and most importantly: has never skipped arm day in his life. Osha is clearly even more about that life than Mae is, but is crazy-repressed because a creepy crooked space cop openly brainwashed her straight outta homeschool. Yord is Yord. Yoda and Plagueis do not exist in this Dojo. There is no main title, no opening crawl, no iris out to John Williams music. For better or worse, it’s a Star Wars Story where the “good guys” (-ish!) are witches and Sith (or proto-Knights of Ren, who knows). I don’t really have a frame of reference for how you iris out of that story into Luke Skywalker’s theme. So I didn’t! Anyway, in keeping with the pitch that started it all, I tried applying the sort of crispy, early 2000s-era digital intermediate look the Kill Bill blu-rays had: Contrasty, sharp, a tiny-bit saturation boosted, with some Kodak 35mm film emulation laid in. It’s also got a way faster running time than the show did:

Additional Notes:

Under the Bunta Tree The Power of Two Ascension Failing the Test Starting a Fire 1 - Master Indara Mae is Alive 2 - Master Torbin Streets of Olega 3 - Master Kelnacca What Extraordinary Beings Masters and Pupils Osha's Strength 4 - Master Sol I'm With You, You're With Me The Acolyte/End Credits